UK To Enforce Anti-Extremism Laws

Post link http://ukextreme.tk

Prime Minister of UK To Enforce New Anti-Extremism Laws
from the BBC Anti-Reality Blog
3/7/2011

London, GMT 30:21 — Prime Minister David Cameron (almost always an old white guy for some reason…) held a press conference today with three major press reporters, and for un undisclosed reason, at first, would not allow any more than that. He held up a three foot long sheet of paper which he said was a revolutionary bill designed to bring peace to the UK and the world once and for all.

“This is my baby, what I call, The Eternally Perfect Supreme Anti-Extremism World Peace and Justice Laws” he beamed with glowing red cheeks (the ones on his face). “With these laws we will all know right from wrong finally, I personally decided what was wrong for everyone with a few of my other elitist friends: the High Court judge and my friend Melissa. We also took input from the Gays Against Fundamentalist Christians Rebel Front and also the lovely Transsexuals United Against Fundies, and a little input from the Rainbow Muslim Party Parade, oh and also the very lovely diverse group Black Muslim Moderate Feminists For Equal Rights in Christian Churches, But Not Mosques. I hope I got the name right.” The crowd of three laughed heartily. One of the reporters, “Meslissa Cottingfairy”, rose her hand immediately and said to the PM, “My name is Melissa too!” The PM smiled back at her. Another reporter, from Scotland, Connor Claymore of the Claymore Clan, raised a sword and said, “Look at this, isn’t it beautiful? It’s called a Claymore! I use it to scare fundies away! Claymore is my last name, isn’t that ironic?” The PM smiled and laughed, “Lovely, very lovely” he replied.

After a minute about talking about his favorite wines the PM turned very serious, and once again held up his bill, for about four seconds, holding it facing the reporters. He then placed it back down, in a non-extreme way.

“This is a bill for all people of Britain, for the world in fact, because it finally lets everyone know right from wrong, and there no longer needs to be any arguing or discussion now as we can all know who we should really follow and obey, which of course, is me and everyone who agrees with me and everyone who agrees with them. Anyone who disagrees us simply wrong and are extremists and extremely stupid.” The reporters turned to each other and laughed with big smiles.

The PM then began to read his bill aloud:

We the People Who Agree With the PM, agree that these are good laws, and the basis for all other laws:

1) You shan’t not have a dildo longer than the Prime Minister.
2) You shan’t not have a false vagina large then the national average of the UK.
3) You shan’t not have an income larger than mine.
4) You shan’t not make less than 3 pounds a day.
5) You shan’t not work for more than 3 hours a day.
6) You shan’t not drive any vehicle for more than 3 hours a day.
7) You shan’t not not drive any vehicle weighing more than 3 tons or under 3 kilos.
8) You shan’t not be out of a job for more than a three days.
9) You shan’t not work for more than 3 hours a day or more than 3 days a week.
10) You shan’t not steal from non-Christian rich people.
11) You shan’t not murder non-Christian rich people.
12) You shan’t not lie to non-Christian rich people.
13) You shan’t not hate non-Christian rich people but shall love and obey them with all your heart so long as they don’t disagree with these laws.
14) You shan’t not own more than one pet larger than three inches in diameter.
15) You shan’t not spend less than 3 pounds a day on your pet or spend more than 3 pounds a day.
16) You shan’t not have more than three children.
17) You shan’t not engage in heterosexual marriage or sex, as these are outdated and overpopulate the world, making it to crowded for me and my friends to live in and ruins the scenery.
18) You shan’t not eat more than 3 kilos of food a day.
19) You shan’t not eat more than three meals a day and may not eat snacks as this would use up my… I mean the planet’s resources too fast.
20) You shan’t not breath in our out more than 3 kilos of carbon dioxide a day, as this is making the planet to warm for me… I mean the world, and the world hates being hot.
21) The sun shall not be permitted to get hotter than 300 hundred degrees.
22) Neither the sun nor moon shall be be permitted to shine brighter than 300 lumens.
23) You shan’t not drink more than 3 ounces of milk a day.
24) You shan’t not stay awake past 3 AM.
25) You shan’t not leave your house past 3 AM.
26) You shan’t not own a gun or knife or anything I call a “weapon” which is greater than 3 inches in diameter.
27) You shan’t not have se, for longer than 300 hours.
28) You shan’t not have se, with more than 300 people at once.
29) You shan’t not use sexual devices that are larger then cat fit in my anus.
30) You shan’t not use sexual devices that weight more than 300 kilos.
31) You shan’t not rape more than 300 people a day unless they are of Christians.
32) You shan’t not molest more than 300 children a day, unless they are Christians.
33) You shan’t not tell more than 300 lies to anyone a day, unless they are of Christians.
34) You shan’t not murder more than 300 people a day, unless they are Christians.
35) You shan’t believe in God.
36) You shan’t not believe any part of the Bible is literal.
37) You shan’t not have any beliefs about the Bible except that it is lies, all lies.
38) You shan’t not display the Bible anywhere.
39) You shan’t not own a Bible.
40) You shan’t not read the Bible.
41) You shan’t not look at a Bible except to throw it away or rip it apart, set it on fire or pour toxic chemicals on it.
41) You shan’t not publish a Bible.
42) You shan’t not print verses from the Bible.
43) You shan’t not think of the Bible.
44) You shan’t not like the Bible in any way.
45) You shan’t not feel angry at any of these laws nor say that you are against them or that they are not good, you must say that you are for them and that they are good if asked about them. If you don’t want to say all that you may say in place of it, “Peace Be Upon the Anti-Extemist Laws of Me and My Friends Who Are God/s”
46) You shan’t not have more than 3 weapons on your person.
47) You shan’t not bicycle for more than 300 hours a day.
48) You shan’t not take more than three pictures a day.
49) You shan’t not be on the Internet or watch TV for more than 3 hours a day unless it is to hear and see more of me and my friends.
50) You shan’t not say things which hurt the feelings of me and my friends.
51) You shan’t not have more than three names in your name.
52) You shan’t not make food that is extremely tasty.
53) You shan’t not participate in any extreme sports, only royal polo is shall be acceptable and shall be the national sport of Britain and the world.
53) You shan’t not where extremely bright colors, like neon. Nor shall you where light up clothing. It is unacceptable.
54) You shan’t not own more than three computers.
55) You shan’t not make or own any electronic devices larger than three inches in diameter.
56) You shan’t not have hair that is higher than three inches or longer than three inches.
57) You shan’t not have breasts larger than 300 centimeters in diameter.
58) You shan’t not weigh more than 300 kilograms.
59) You shan’t not be more than 300 centimeters in diameter.
60) You shan’t not fly through the air for more than three hours a day unless you are me or one of my close friends or if you have my special permission.
61) If you are a child, which includes teens up to the age of 23, you shan’t not be at home for more than 3 hours a day, but must spend time learning about and promoting homosexuality.
62) You shan’t not hate homosexuality or homosexuals, you shall love them with all your heart.
63) You shan’t not own more than three fluorescent light bulbs or have more than three lit at a time nor may you use more than 3 watts of power a day! If you have an incandescent light bulb you must take it to a recycler who recycles both metal and glass or else you must separate the metal from the glass and take the glass to a glass recycler and the metal to a metal recycler, or you can use it in a creative project that does not use up any electricity or more than 3 minutes of physical energy.
64) You shan’t not litter but must recycle everything, even crumbs that fall to the ground.
65) You shan’t not own cows, pigs or goats unless you are me or one of my friends.
66) You shall not have se, unless it is going to be for a minimum of 3 minutes.
67) You shall not drive or fly a vehicle faster than 3 miles an hour unless you are me or my friends or have my permission to.
68) You shan’t not say that evolution and the Big Bang are not true. For it simply true as we can all see. To say otherwise to a child is child abuse and charges shall be brought against you for abusing a child if you tell one that evolution or the Big Bang are not true, especially if you are a fundie. Die.
69) You shan’t not agree with a fundamentalist Christian about anything, but shall antagonize whatever one you come across or pay him or her or it no attention.
70) You shan’t not give food or clothing to a fundamentalist Christian or help them in any way.
71) You shan’t not love a fundamentalist Christian at all.
72) You shan’t not have opinions that are against my laws or my feelings or my opinions about right from wrong nor shall you be judgmental about my sexual preferences or those of my friends or any homosexuals.
73) All fundamentalists, which is whoever believes the Bible and disagrees with these laws, shall be exiled from Britain and none shall be allowed in. Submit to me, I mean these laws, or be banned from Britain.

I, the Prime Minster of the World, I mean Britain, but soon to be the world, have spoken. So as I’ve spoken so shall it be you may not disagree. Amen. Now say Amen three times.”

The three reporters replied, “Amen, amen, amen.”

“Oh how wonderful, you really love me,” he said to us.

Suddenly a man taller than 3 centimeters ran into the meeting and surprised us all and shouted, “Bullocks! This is extreme!” The PM stared angrily at the man and replied, “Heresy! Heresy! You shall not disagree with my feelings or laws! This is extreme blasphemy! Damn you Hell! Die!” He then called for 3 bobbies to apprehend the trespasser and they each hit him once on his head, a total of three times, and arrested him.

One of the reporters, Sarah Cottingly, raised her hand and asked, “Why is the number 3 in so many of these laws? Does it have some special significance?” The PM looked at Sarah with wide eyes and blushed then looked down at the podium. He then looked back at her with an upset face and replied, “I shall not be challenged.” Sarah replied, “Oh I wasn’t challenging you I was just wondering. Please, explain.” The PM paused, and then said to them, “Puh, private, private part, do you understand what I mean?” “YOU’RE ONLY THREE INCHES?!” asked Sarah. The PM looked down angrily. The PM then leaned on the podium angrily, looking at the floor in front of us, “Yes.” he said, “Are you happy?” An American reporter there, John Smallberries, then began to laugh and said, “My last name is longer than your penis!” The PM then stood up straight and looked away, and shouted, “God dammit people isn’t about my penis this is serious!” We all fell immediately silent. But then I said, “These laws are very profound, but what inspired them?” The PM looked at me sweetly and smiled, “Well, I was my own inspiration mainly, and Melissa, and my friends, and some Buddhist stuff I read. I also found inspiration from Nietzsche.” “Is it true you also consulted with Jimmy Wales,” asked John. “Yes,” beamed the PM, “Thank you for reminding me. I couldn’t have done this without him. How did you know?” “Can’t tell, sorry man.” replied John. “Why are there 70 laws and not 300?” I asked the PM. “Well, 70 covers about everything. I didn’t want to be extreme.