The Anti-Fundamentalist Fundamentals Church That Went Nowhere
Jonathan Flores, No Ordinary Singer: Pastor Galen!: This Satanic person just shows up out of no where judging and legalizing and misquoting the Book of Quotes and talkin’ bout’ kissin’ on the lips n’ nakededz stuff people in bikinis! He was so negative and unholy and of Satan. I used my highest speechems and wordums on him to show him whose boss n’ smartiest, but he was juz stubborn as a Jew’s stiff neck, the Christ-murderers! (Jonathan says while clutching a Bible to his chest with a look of great distress).
Pastor Gas-Money Galen: Well holy shuckems that sounds horrible. Well ya know Jonathan, you know what I always say about such people.
Jonathan, Magnifique Musicial One: What’s that oh great and wise pastor who “hears from God”?
Pastor Gas-Money Galen: “Yah reap what yah sow son.”
Jonathan, Seer of Great Tunes: *smiles* Aw shucks I love it when you call me son, makes me feel equal to high second in command master Dustin, super pastor. And heh heh, huh, yeah, “reapin what’s sown”, so true indeed it’s obvious and apparent.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Satan will gettem’, always gets the nay-saying Nellies. He’ll teach those who speak against us and our word a lesson they’ll soon not forget, for we are the true and most righteous and wisest of Christians, which is why my prophecy of our church moving soon came true. Shaytan has power Jonny, mark my word, that dark devil demon from Hell has power, great power. Big power.
Jonathan, Worship Master Extraordinaire: Wait what?
Pastor Gas Money Galen: You questioning my version of reality son?
Jonathan, MASTER of SONG and… DANCE: Oh no way, I’m not into that legalistic stuff, no way. Hey there’s a dull spot on your boots. Really tiny but I can see it, should polish that out even though it’s as small as a gnat. Want me strain at it?
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Oh a speck isn’t going to bother me, that’s not manly.
Jonathan, Singer: Oh yeah yeah you’re right, ignore I mentioned it then.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Forgotten and forgiven.
Jonathan, Musician: Jesus is Lord!
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Hey, I think I’m hearing from God.
Jonathan, Majestic Musician: Really, wuh, can I hear? What’s he saying? I mean what’s he obviously apparently saying?
Pastor Gas Money Galen: He’s saying “Go get something to eat, for soon we’ll need full bellies to move the church, and that will be soon.”
Jonathan, Lover of Music: But you just said…
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Jon, don’t be negative.
Jonathan, Songmaster!: Oh oh yeah that’s right, be positive.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: And not legalistic.
Jonathan, Special Maker of Tunes: And not legalistic.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: “I pledge allegiance…”
Jonathan, Holy Golfer AND Musician: “I pledge allegiance…”
Pastor Gas Money Galen: “To obey the Galens, like they are God’s voice on Earth…”
Jonathan, Master Player of Synthesizers: “To uh…”
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Damnit son what’s wrong with you? Must you question my every word? Just obey! Don’t question, don’t hesitate, don’t think, don’t go to Scripture, just obey okay!
Jonathan, Master of Master Musicians, Almost: Geeze gosh okay, please just keep your voice down don’t humiliate me in front of the others or kick me out of the synagogue ok? That would be a shame I could not bear, for I love to play music and to get the great attention and praise I receive from it. I like watching the youths hug each other real close and sensual too from the view I have after I’m done turning them on to the Lord, doesn’t distract me a bit to see that.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Now you ARE hearing from the Lord oh Jonathan like of the Jonathan of Biblical ancient old apparent obvious times.
Jonathan, the Manly Musician: *Smiles*: I love you.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: *Raises his eyebrows*: I love you to son. Don’t worry me anymore with hesitation. Be quick to obey and agree when I speak, be positive.
Jonathan, Who Sings Like He?: Yes: I understand master Galen, *he says in a robot voice* (as if he’s lost his sacred sovereign golden free will, untouchable… except like when demons possess you, so dare not God control a person’s will, that’s demonic!)
Pastor Gas Money Galen: *Slaps his hands together* good boy, now lets fill up at Flying Star. I love that place, such decadent chocolate.
Jonathan, Who Sees the Notes As They Truly Are: That’s obvious and apparent.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Uh, yeah. Man you use big words you know that? That means you’ve got smarts. I ad-mire ur skillful use of uncommon words
Jonathan, Who Hath Power Over the Tones as He?: *Smiles a big manly cowboy smile* and says, “Hey that’s my word, ‘admire’. *Suddenly Jon looked serious and looked at Galen’s chest*.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: What?
Jonathan, He Can Sing!: Um, do you think I sing the same songs too many times?
Pastor Gas Money Galen: What? Don’t be silly. That’s like, that weird negative crazy talk that crazy people talk. Man I love your little ditties. They’re serene and comforting son, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, repeat and replay all you want. So, no more such paranoid talk.
Jonathan, Who Uses Big Words (and he can play the piano): Thanks that’s sweet of you, I really feel better, more positive and inspired, less rigid and dogmatic. Such is indeed that which is an apparent judgment of truth.
Pastor Gas Money Galen: Man you are so smart… now lets go.
Pastor Gas Money Galen and his trusty third in command, sort of, side kick Jonathan Awesome Repeater of Songs and Tunes goes out the office door headed for Flying Star Cafe, eager to fill up their manly bellies on smooth, delicious, classy, preppy (and manly) chocolate cake.
A little while later the anti-Christ showed up to begin his mass murders of beautiful white Christians, with some blacks and hispanics among them, and one Native American, but Jesus took them up and their chocolate cakes plopped (and in the case of the Native American, his MSG filled generic can of half-opened beans) spilled and hit the ground as they flew up into the clouds with Christ, Christ who was invisible to the world lest it be counted as the second coming of Christ, which would be really confusing.
Later, some people reading Bibles and remembering Jonathan’s “Accept Jesus Into Your Heart and That’s Salvation Tour” remembered the title of the tour, and became saved, but then the anti-Christ chopped their heads off because mainly they blacks and hispanics, and God doesn’t care as much about them as whites. But in the end, the Christians got their heads back and Satan lost. The end.