Global Warming Ate My Homework
Today in class, I had the perfect excuse for why I didn’t have a minimum ten page proof of Global Warming. I said to the teacher:
“Teacher, the Earth is getting really hot. In fact hundreds of years from now my Florida beach front property will be under water and millions of people on the beach will be screaming dying because they couldn’t take a hint when they saw that while they were walking around and lying down, all the sand was under water, and so in their arrogantnessness, will just lie down and gurgle gurgle die. Now it takes oxygen to write stuff, and trees and power to cut trees to write the stuff on that you wanted me to write stuff on, etc. And that causes carbon dioxide poisoning. In fact I’m poisoning you all right now, and you’re killing me with your breath too. So, I’m deciding I’m not going to be a killer anymore, and be a good Liberal and just walk outa this classroom and save you all from an agonizing heat stroke.”
I heard giggling all throughout the classroom and the teacher starred at me, as if not knowing what to say. Suddenly the teacher picked up some textbooks off her desk and threw them down. “I’m sorry I said,” as I saw her face nearly become pure evil. She then began stomping on the textbooks repeatedly and everyone looked afraid. “Damn these tree-killers!” she shouted. Then she said, “You’re right! Damnit carbon dioxide damnit trees just damn everything to Hell we’re all gonna die because of Christians! They even kill pine trees for Christmas and act like the trees have no feelings! Oh the hypocrisy!”
“Yes teacher, yes!” I replied with great joy and Liberal giddiness. Can we go now? Look: even the desks are made of trees!” I starred at her with my hands in front of me held together, big open eyes and my mouth hanging open, eagerly awaiting her answer.
“Class dismissed!” she shouted.
Suddenly the whole class erupted in joy and we all hugged each other and we quickly left the classroom. But before I left I told her to recycle the book she had just stamped on. “Oh you’re right, I’ll do that,” she replied. Then we hugged each other and I left. Gullible.